Chest Nuts Nipping at Your Nose...

I started the morning off by a leisurely drive to the post office to drop off another batch of Blog of Pratt Holiday CDs. I wish I had been able to swing a cup of coffee because I was still a little sleepy when suddenly up in the distance I saw the sign for RED LOBSTER. It said - BIKINI CONTEST - 7pm.

For new readers- Red Lobster is code for Hooters- the restaurants are right next door to each other but in case of emergency like an elderly librarian or a priest asks where I ate lunch - I reply Red Lobster thus saving myself from embarrasment and them having as Emily Dickinson would put it "A Hissy Fit."

Yes, I will admit that I go to that restuarant reknowned for it's chicken wings...and what else?? Hmmmm..it's on the tip of my tongue..well if it WAS on the tip of my tongue I would surely have stopped typing by now.

Once Mrs. Pratt and I both got home from work she wondered, "What should we do for dinner? "Glad you asked!" I said.

I presented my case with the skill of a courtroom attorney.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...you enjoy chicken wings and mentioned you really wanted some the other day. Also, one of their calendars would make an excellent Christmas gift for me. And in conclusion, perhaps we will see things good enough to blog about.I rest my case."

She reminded me that one of the local radio stations was doing their big food drive to help the poor. She wanted to go up to the nearby supermarket the radio guys were collected donated food. We did it last year and it was fun. But this year I was in a frenzy.

"SCREW THE POOR! Let's see BIKINIS!"

That's an actual quote from me. I expect it to be on t-shirts and Christmas ornaments available in the lobby during intermission.


You'll be glad to know Mrs. Pratt chastised me for my less than warm feeling towards my fellow man, and my more warm than she would like feeling for my fellow women.

A compromised was reached. Another Philadelphia radio station is also doing a fund raiser for the Greater Philadelphia Food Bank this week and we shall make a nice donation to them.


So it was off to Hoo..Red Lobster. We had dinner and although the contest promised a start time of 7pm it didn't begin until 7:45. Mrs. Pratt had her plate of wings and was happy. Now the six contestants in the event were selling raffle tickets. The 5 winning tickets would be the lucky ones who got to sit up front and judge the competition. All proceeds for the night went to Children's Hospital.

For a charity event though, the girls selling the tickets weren't trying very hard. The restaurant was packed but they kind of just stayed in a group talking until one of them said "Ohmigawd..you guys..we have to sell these ourselves." You could see the small crackle of electricity go on in their heads and soon the peroxide pack wandered about.

One jaw droppingly amazing looking woman approached a table of three- one guy had on a cowboy hat, one looked like the bassist for REM , Mike Mills, the other guy was in a suit and blabbed away at his cellphone. Mrs. Pratt noticed when the Bikini Girl approached them, cellphone guy didn't even look up at her. "How can you not notice that!" she said.
Mrs. Pratt bought me a chance at the raffle.
"It's for your journal in case you win." she told me.

The contest started.Sadly, I was not picked for a judge. Guys who had literally dozens of tickets were picked.

The contestants were introduced by the emcee. A really large guy- at least 300 pounds. His stage prescence blocked the view from our side of the restaurant. It was a Bouncer Eclipse. Brief flashes of a girl in a bikini were seen, but M.C. Planetoid blocked the view. Some of the audience asked him nicely to move upstage. Well, as nicely as "MOVE FAT ASS!" could come from a crowd.Oh the crowd had many women as spectators as well. Just incase you thought Mrs. Pratt was alone in the sea of silicone.

The girls came out on stage three times and Mrs. Pratt and I agreed that had this been a Florida bikini contest, most of these participants would be asked to either go park cars or chase them.

But it was entertaining. They had to answer questions like 'What's your favorite candy?' One lady said "Gushers". I was puzzled nobody mentioned blowpops.Mrs. Pratt gave me the Look of Death. I then assured her she would beat any of the competition up on the stage(Before she began beating me.)Mrs. Pratt was appeased.

We compared notes. I thought the very buxom overly tan blonde girl in the hot pink bikini would win. Mrs. Pratt opted for the plainer brunette in the all white bikini. "She looks real" she said. We were both wrong.

The woman who won had a bikini made of tinsel. The crowd hooted (of course) and hollered and I think several of the judges were thinking of attaching mistletoe to their belt loops.

"Yeah ...I'm the greatest wife in the world." Mrs. Pratt said as we ambled out to the Prattmobile afterwards.

And visions of sugarplums danced in my head.....