Sunday, March 20, 2005

Eat My Deli...

I woke up this morning in dutiful husband mode. I had things to do. Yeah yeah the usual bring Mrs. Pratt coffee in bed. That's a given. no I went to the grocery store. Mrs. Pratt kind of hates grocery shopping but it's never bothered me.

It was crowded as usual for an early Sunday Morning. I weaved through the aisles and left the deli stuff for last because it always takes awhile.I had no idea Rod Serling was the Deli manager today.

I get the number 23 and look at the who's being served- 19. Ok I can wait. This gives me time to eye the pastry and consider getting some. But then the reminder that I'm losing weight for Florida creeps up.Boooo.

Deli Guy: "23!".

I give Deli Guy my order and wait. Another guy walks up next to me. He's on his cellphone.He's a beefy bleached blond spiky haired guy with earrings and a goatee.A leather coat and acid washed jeans completes the picture.

Cellphone Guy:"Yeah. I'm in the deli aisle. What do I like to eat?"

Ok the man is calling someone in the morning to ask this person what kind of meats he himself likes. My weirdo alarm went off I was all ears....

Cellphone Guy: "Ok.There is uh...Turkey. Ham. Bologna.(he pronounced it Bo-log-na) Roast Beef.Salami.Pastrami. Do I like Salami?"

The scenarios danced in my head. Maybe he's recovering from a massive head trauma and has some memory loss. Maybe too much 'E' at Club Hoochiemama has caused him to be not the brightest color in the box of crayons.Maybe he's a clone escaped from a lab facility nearby. Maybe he's a complete doofus when it comes to grocery shopping.Survey says?*DING*

As I'm taking all this in suddenly a slab of Ham is dancing in front of my face. Wow that sounds positively perverse. Deli Guy is asking me if I wanted to sample the Honey Baked Ham I had ordered. Our conversation was like Gene Wilder refusing Ovaltine from Frau Blucher in "Young Frankenstein".

Deli Guy: "You want to try some of this?"

Me: "No. No thank you."

Deli guy: "You sure? People love to try the stuff.I mean if you want to know how it tastes..."

Me:" No really that's ok.. I had a bowl of cereal.I'm not hungry right now."

I'm defending my dining habits to deli guy! Just gives me the damn ham!

I ordered some cheese and suddenly that too was practically hitting me in the forehead.

Deli Guy:"How about you try a slice of the cheese?"

Me:"No that's ok..really..I just don't want to sample it ."

Deli Guy:'You sure. It's good cheese."

Me: "Sorry. Just not that hungry now."

He seemed crushed.

I guess it's a new corporate policy. They were forcing deli samples on everyone.The lines looked like Holy Communion with people getting round cuts of bologna and salami put in their hands. "Body of Olive Loaf- Amen."

Cellphone guy's number was called as my order was finished up..and as I walked away from the crowd and he was next I heard him saying in his phone "Dude I'm next. What do I like to eat again?"

My shopping cart and I ran for the check out line.

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